Sunday, April 28, 2013
Bad night number 5 out of 7.... I'm allways waking up at 3.30 and I can 't seem to be able to fall asleep after that. Usually I'm not a bad sleeper. I wake up at night from time to time but just for a while and then it ' normally no problem to fall asleep again. Ok, it wa full moon but surelu this can 't be the cause. Pff, frustrating!!!
Saturday, April 27, 2013
It 's weekend and I allways feel a little bit anxious about it. Entertaining my son during the day still costs a lot of energy. And I allways feel so terribly guilty about this, that taking care of your own child costs energy. That 's why I like to have a plan for the weekend. Friday we had nothing planned so I was very stressed. A few weeks a go we bought a has sos we have a lot of plan. My husband suggested tot go to Ikea to get some inspiration and we had a lovely day. My son was so brave and we 've got a lot of wonderfull ideas for our new home. Not bad at all!!
Friday, April 26, 2013
This first blog is a bit like an intro. Basic things you need to know before you start to follow this blog.
I'm doing this for two purposes.
In the one hand this blog is a reflection of an admiration for people who are behind the scenes, who make every day run like it ‘s supposed to run; people who often work very hard for a crappy salary and rarely get some gratitude.
It’s also for people who have to deal with a lot of misery and bad luck and still have the strength to make the best of their lives.
Those people are my HEROES!!!
On the other I hope it could be a help for people who had or are still dealing with the same topics as I am: postnatal depression and a parent (or both parents) who have an addiction.
I chose to remain anonymous writing this blog so I can really share everything I want to share. This means that names, some dates, places are not the real ones.
Please also bare in mind that English is not my native language and I have no literary background nor studied any languages so I ‘m afraid people who attach a lot of importance to a good writing-style in a blog (which I can fully understand) will only get frustrated reading this.
Before I start, I think is 't important to give some background information about me.
In 2009 my life changed quite a lot. I became a mum!
Everything went well during pregnancy. I knew our baby was going to be a big one. A week before birth he already weighed 4 kg+.
Normally I was due around the 20the of september but because he was so big they decided to induce labour a few days before.
The delivery was long (and of course very painfull) but it was no trauma.
The morning after a nurse came to take care of him and saw he had a fever. He was immediately taken to the intensive care for babies. At that point something snapped. I felt horrible... something changed. My kid wasn 't there with me and I lied there in that room, alone. A great fatigue came over me. All I could think about was sleeping. The nurses from the ward where my sun was staying called me on the phone in my room when he was awake to feed him. I was allways anxious about those moments. I went up to the ward he was staying, I gave him milk, and I went back to my room as soon as I could. Only thinking about sleeping.
It was only when we got home I realized there was something wrong. I only felt tired and everything I had to do with my son was an effort. I contacted my doctor and also he thought what I was thinking: post partum depression. Because that wasn 't enough my son was a cry baby. He couldn 't be awake without crying. I searched for help, being confronted with the fact that psychological help in Belgium isn 't that obvious. Everywhere I called, I had to wait for at least a month.
My husband was lost at that moment. Having a cry-baby and a wife who has post partum depression was to much for him.
It was awful, the feeling you will never be happy again. You can 't imagine it, if havn 't been through it. Thank God I had my parents at that moment.
And then 2010 started. It looked rather good. I was starting to feel a bit better , my son stopped crying all the time and turned into a perfect baby. But then my mother started to change. She was becoming very distant, ate less and less and we could notice she was regularly under the influence of some kind of drug. Sometime we smelled alcohol, sometimes not but it was clear she took something. From that on a rollercoaster of hospitals, ICU ‘s, doctors, psychologists and psychiatric wards came over me. I’m an only child and nearly every day my father called me about my mother. Every time my phone rang I was scared of what news it might bring. Now 3 years later, nothing changed. My mother still fights with her demons. Sometimes she has good periods en sometimes it goes wrong. The thing that did change was the way I look at her now. I had to let the mum I knew go and face the fact that I will never get the mother back that I once knew.
I'm doing this for two purposes.
In the one hand this blog is a reflection of an admiration for people who are behind the scenes, who make every day run like it ‘s supposed to run; people who often work very hard for a crappy salary and rarely get some gratitude.
It’s also for people who have to deal with a lot of misery and bad luck and still have the strength to make the best of their lives.
Those people are my HEROES!!!
On the other I hope it could be a help for people who had or are still dealing with the same topics as I am: postnatal depression and a parent (or both parents) who have an addiction.
I chose to remain anonymous writing this blog so I can really share everything I want to share. This means that names, some dates, places are not the real ones.
Please also bare in mind that English is not my native language and I have no literary background nor studied any languages so I ‘m afraid people who attach a lot of importance to a good writing-style in a blog (which I can fully understand) will only get frustrated reading this.
Before I start, I think is 't important to give some background information about me.
In 2009 my life changed quite a lot. I became a mum!
Everything went well during pregnancy. I knew our baby was going to be a big one. A week before birth he already weighed 4 kg+.
Normally I was due around the 20the of september but because he was so big they decided to induce labour a few days before.
The delivery was long (and of course very painfull) but it was no trauma.
The morning after a nurse came to take care of him and saw he had a fever. He was immediately taken to the intensive care for babies. At that point something snapped. I felt horrible... something changed. My kid wasn 't there with me and I lied there in that room, alone. A great fatigue came over me. All I could think about was sleeping. The nurses from the ward where my sun was staying called me on the phone in my room when he was awake to feed him. I was allways anxious about those moments. I went up to the ward he was staying, I gave him milk, and I went back to my room as soon as I could. Only thinking about sleeping.
It was only when we got home I realized there was something wrong. I only felt tired and everything I had to do with my son was an effort. I contacted my doctor and also he thought what I was thinking: post partum depression. Because that wasn 't enough my son was a cry baby. He couldn 't be awake without crying. I searched for help, being confronted with the fact that psychological help in Belgium isn 't that obvious. Everywhere I called, I had to wait for at least a month.
My husband was lost at that moment. Having a cry-baby and a wife who has post partum depression was to much for him.
It was awful, the feeling you will never be happy again. You can 't imagine it, if havn 't been through it. Thank God I had my parents at that moment.
And then 2010 started. It looked rather good. I was starting to feel a bit better , my son stopped crying all the time and turned into a perfect baby. But then my mother started to change. She was becoming very distant, ate less and less and we could notice she was regularly under the influence of some kind of drug. Sometime we smelled alcohol, sometimes not but it was clear she took something. From that on a rollercoaster of hospitals, ICU ‘s, doctors, psychologists and psychiatric wards came over me. I’m an only child and nearly every day my father called me about my mother. Every time my phone rang I was scared of what news it might bring. Now 3 years later, nothing changed. My mother still fights with her demons. Sometimes she has good periods en sometimes it goes wrong. The thing that did change was the way I look at her now. I had to let the mum I knew go and face the fact that I will never get the mother back that I once knew.
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